I simply threw half a pint of Cherry Pepsi Max throughout my keyboard. It was the penultimate keyboard I’ll ever be capable to use. I’m right down to my final one.
I’m very conscious that I’m fully incorrect about keyboards. I’m advised, by nearly each single particular person in my life, that I must be utilizing a mechanical keyboard, with detachable switches, clickity-clackity sounds, and possibly sufficient neon lighting to open a nightclub. I don’t. I exploit a Microsoft MultiMedia Keyboard 1.0A, with a blob of Blu-Tac over the Num Lock LED, and I’ve accomplished so for so long as I can bear in mind. And as of immediately, I’m right down to my final one. When this one goes, that’s it. I’m accomplished.
I’m not ashamed, and also you’re not going to make me ashamed. The Microsoft MultiMedia Keyboard 1.0A is the perfect keyboard ever made. First created in 1997, its keys press with a whisper-quiet “shddd” and that’s perfection. Sure, it has probably the most ludicrous array of “media” buttons throughout the highest in a elaborate arch, and no, I’ve by no means pressed one in all them as soon as within the twenty-ish years I’ve been utilizing this keyboard. And no, this isn’t the “Pure” ergonomic model, it’s the regular-shaped one. I’m not a sicko.
I’ve had mates and colleagues react with real horror upon listening to of my use of this machine. To not be a part of the mechanical cult is, apparently, shun-worthy, and I settle for that you just too, reader, at the moment are considering even much less of me. However fear not, for of the pile of six of those keyboards I purchased after I heard they had been not going to be manufactured, the one I’ve connected through its PS/2 twine to my PC immediately is my final. And after this one dies, I really feel like retirement is my solely possibility.
You already know these authors who say that they write their books out long-hand, utilizing the fountain pen they inherited from their great-great grandmother, after which some poor lackey has to sort them up for the writer? Or the writers who insist on utilizing a Nineteen Thirties Royal P typewriter, as a result of they’re incapable of composing their prose on the rest? That’s me. Pretentious, dumbass me. The magic’s not in my coronary heart, it’s within the Microsoft MultiMedia 1.0A.
(Look, I do know, there’s controversy right here that I’m not addressing. The official Microsoft knowledge sheet for the keyboard calls it a “1.0a,” however the machine itself says “1.0A,” and I gained’t be budged from that capitalization. Sorry, you’ll simply need to be offended.)
That is the keyboard on which I’ve composed my best works. It was on these squidgy keys that I wrote this extraordinary piece of video games journalism, and chronicled my artwork.
Hell, that is the keyboard I’ve used for all my most beloved video games, from Dragon Age: Origins to Prey, Half-Life 2 to Metropolis of Heroes. It’s the keyboard on which I completed Dishonored 2, and the means by which I conquered Titanfall 2. I’m much better at Fortnite on these keys than I’m on my Xbox. That is how I spent these billions of hours in Skyrim. This keyboard is significant to my gaming life!
Over time, I’ve been by way of so many makes of PCs, mice, screens and audio system, however the keyboard has all the time remained the identical. For years, I had to make use of a USB adaptor to plug the PS/2 cable in, though proper now (as a result of destiny is aware of greatest) my present PC really has a traditional purple port proper on the motherboard. I’ve actually no thought why. Certainly there’s nobody else this silly?
However it feels proper! Possibly you may have a favourite make of trainers that you just insist on shopping for, as a result of all the things else makes your ft really feel humorous. (It is best to attempt barefoot footwear although, belief me.) Maybe there’s a cushion you placed on the driving force’s seat of each automotive? A favourite pillow with out which going to sleep is considerably tougher? That’s my 1.0A. It feels precisely the proper form below my fingers, the keys are completely spaced aside for my fingers, and the wrist relaxation clips on the entrance in a manner that makes all different keyboards really feel like a type of mild torture.
Time is definitely not on my aspect. Regardless of the mysterious PS/2 port, Home windows doesn’t like this keyboard very a lot any extra. The very first thing I do every time I crack open a brand new one (often as a result of both the one I’m utilizing has turn out to be as clickity-clackity as your ghastly mechanical setup, or as a result of—as with immediately—I’ve murdered the final one with liquid) is repair the crummy delay when holding down a single key. Besides, within the ten minutes I spent trying earlier than I began penning this, I’ve been unable to search out the important thing delay settings in Home windows! They’re gone! I simply misspelt “They’re” and after I held down Backspace to repair it, it took a close to interminable half a second to start clearing the error. I’m looking out on Google for an answer, and many of the outcomes are, “Are you OK? Do you want something?”
“So simply purchase a brand new one,” you would possibly say, earlier than realizing that it’ll solely encourage me to maintain working. Oh, poor candy idiot, if solely it had been that straightforward. When this stuff had been new, they price like $20. They had been so gloriously low cost. After I purchased that batch of six in 2013, it price me $40 (plus $25 delivery!). That’s the best discount of my life. Lower than $11 a keyboard, they usually’ve stored me going for 12 stunning years. However proper now, after I look on eBay, I’m discovering used ones for $90! USED! (And to make issues worse, it’s listed as “Classic.” It’s not fucking classic! It’s as previous as Struggle Membership. That’s not a classic movie.)
Within the final couple of years, when seeking to discover extra back-ups, I’ve by no means seen a brand new one on sale for lower than $100, which is ludicrous. At the moment, nevertheless, the perfect value for a brand new, unused model I’ve discovered is £32 ($43) and possibly I’ve to pay that? What’s that—1 / 4 of the most cost effective mechanical keyboard you’d think about shopping for? Outrageous. Is my profession value this a lot?
OK, effective, I simply purchased it, alongside a second one I discovered for $20 that claims to be unused, however I’m suspicious. And with that, I’ve purchased all of the “new” 1.0As out there on UK eBay. (PayPal was so suspicious of this exercise that on shopping for the second it despatched alerts to my telephone to ensure my account hadn’t been hacked by a deranged, 150-year-old legal.) I refuse to consider there aren’t Microsoft warehouses stuffed with forgotten pallets of this stuff, lurking in a darkish nook behind the crates holding Arks of the Covenant. Actually, at this level I must be a part of some ambassador program, appointed by Microsoft to herald the best second within the firm’s historical past, earlier than it obtained distracted over again by being evil.
And I nonetheless don’t care what you suppose. It’s so pretty to be on a model new one in all these pretty keyboards, the keys particularly thuddy, the gaps between them not containing regarding quantities of fluff, and the insides fully freed from espresso and soda. I simply want to determine how you can let it let me delete my errors extra rapidly, and I’m a cheerful boy. Till they’re all gone, that’s, though I considerably suspect that’ll be greater than the universe can take, and all the things else will go together with it.
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